Funny Amy’s First Speech, Which Is at a Bar, and It’s Rather Late

What is love,

Baby don’t hurt me,

Don’t hurt me, no more haha

What is love!

Baby, don’t—


Hurt me?

Baby, you’re hurting me.


You’re hurting me, stop.


Ow, please, ow,



[crying, loudly]



That escalated quickly, wink.

But doesn’t it always? Cringe.

It always starts like a song— and a good, classic one haha


And yet it always ends in ruin, hey ladies? haha

Hey ladies?

Hey… ladies?


Fuck you, why are you all looking at me like that?

Where’s my applause, gals?

Fucking men, right?

It’s a damn good poem, right!




What do you mean, it’s not always like that.

Of-fucking-course it is.

HAHA now I’m laughing because I’m pissed!


You’re supposed to be on my side.

I’ve told you the stories a million ways, jesus.

One more time:

They’ve teased us—hey, don’t look at me like that.

They’ve hurt us—don’t look at me like that.

They’ve ruined us—DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
Like I’ve got something wrong here.

I’m the rightest one in this place!


Pffff don’t call me a generalizer, you fucking marched on generalities.

I’m not changing the subject, fuck you.

I’m not getting defensive, alright?

What do you mean ‘You’ve never been in love?’

Of course I’ve been in love.

My heart has hurt worse than yours has ever has, I wish I could show you.

Don’t tell me to calm down.

Oh, I’ll show you!

I’ll kill myself, will that show you?!

HAHA I was only kidding.

I read a lot of stories where women do that.

Because that’s how they deal with ruin, that’s why.

And ha—

And you mean to tell me that not all love ends in ruin?

That you don’t only have sex when you’re drunk?

That you don’t try and get it over with?

That you don’t fear intimacy?

Bullshit, we all do.

You’re lying.

Really? Well no wonder you’re both happy.

He does, Mel, he’s a really good guy.

(But you really have sex sober?)


Let’s march! Against Everyone-Other-Than-Mel’s-Boyfriend!

What do you mean, “We marched against oppression.”

Shuddup, haha, we marched against men.

What do you mean, “They aren’t the same thing”?

Of course, they are!

Don’t tell me to calm down.

So I’m oppressing myself, is what you’re saying.

[eye roll]

You’re saying

(correct me if I’m wrong, bitches)

That I these scars I have… that I choose to wear them?


That I just never set boundaries, and that’s why I always feel walked all over?


You mean to say— just to clarify, you cunt buckets— that I’ve never really been in love because I choose not to be.




[                                                                                               ]

[                                               ]


I know.



What’s that like? [                                                                                               ]

[                                               ] I should have talked about this sooner.

[nods somberly]

I see.

Yes, I kind of always knew that, but…


Hey. I hate being sentimental, but…

I needed to hear that from some good friends. 

That doesn’t normally happen around here– friends who stick up to you, not just for you.

You know?

We gotta stick together,

against those bits and pieces of ourselves, you know?

Those bits that misinterpret things.

Thanks for validating me, and then, more importantly—

Working with me.

I really truly love you.

Like, more-than-drinking love you


What is love? Baby don’t hurt me


Can’t hurt me!

[sings and laughs at top of lungs]


[falls out of chair, and lies there]


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