I missed the last tram.
This time it wasn’t my fault.
I went with the wrong group, I felt it,
The whole night.
I kept saying I was going to leave.
They kept buying drinks to make me stay.
I should have seen it coming.
I kept giving the shots away,
When they weren’t looking.
I’d had enough.
I said I was leaving.
When I went to kiss them all goodbye
As the french do
One grabbed my face.
I knew he would.
I just did, somehow.
I didn’t even push him off.
I simply disappeared,
Between his hands.
So violated and
I went from inside the bar
To walking the streets, all alone
In less than a second.
And without looking back.
I arrive at the tram stop.
It’s not running.
The group had lied to keep me out later.
I had trusted them.
I started to cry hot tears of anger.
It fueled my feet.
I would walk home.
My brain was wild and hot, too.
The fire pushed my legs.
It didn’t guide them, though.
As my mind cooled with the morning,
I was lost.
This is a very big city.
Now I cried because I was lost.
My phone buzzed.
It was That Nice Guy Who Invited Me To His Party The Other Night.
Weren’t we going to see each other tonight? he asks.
I write back:
“Sorry I couldn’t make it
[I’m still fuming at all men. I’m rude and do not care]
But jokes on me, I’m lost.”
He called right away.
“Where are you?”
I tell him the street name.
I’m not sure why.
I see a post office across the way.
I head towards the steps.
I don’t know why, but that seems safe enough.
Around 2:30 am.
All alone, in this fog.
I don’t know why.
Is he coming for me?
Is he googling directions?
Why did I involve him?
I wish I hadn’t said anything.
I cry again.
Thirty minute pass and I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
I’m angry again.
What the fuck am I waiting for?
I get up to go.
Even though I don’t know where.
Then I hear something.
Rolling, a skateboard.
Rolling out of the fog, a figure.
A boy out of breathe.
Eyes-wide, I breathe, bewildered and confused
He looks at me. No smile. Just out of breathe.
“You forgot your jacket.”
I sit back down on the steps for something to do.
“Why’d you come?” I laugh.
I’m embarrassed all of a sudden.
He’s still catching his breathe.
I wanted to see you.
“It’s 3 am” I argue.
I keep arguing at his silence:
“Don’t you have people at your apartment?
Don’t you have that party tonight?”
He shrugs again.
He says his best friend knows how to lock up.
I stare, incredulous.
He left his party for me.
Incredulous, yes. It was the perfect word for how I felt.
He must have misunderstood.
He speaks to my stone face:
“Look, I don’t want to go home with you,
I just want to help you home.
See, I brought my skateboard.
So I can skate back home after.”
I couldn’t help it.
I blurt out—
“Are you for real?!”
He looks confused,
“Yes, but where do you live?”
I’d forgotten he doesn’t know where I live.
He wasn’t in the taxi last Friday…
He’d only paid for it.
I grow even more ashamed.
This boy keeps helping me home.
He’s nothing like those other people.
The people trying to force me to drink 2 hours ago.
Nothing like the boy who forced his face on mine.
That absolute asshole.
But here this guy was…
We sit a while longer and
I’m ready to go,
But I can tell he’s struggling with something.
It comes out in English.
“I just wanted to see you again.”
He looks at me for a long time.
I don’t know what to say, so I smile.
Please don’t like me, I’m very confused, I think.
“I’m really glad to see you,” I say.
He does, too.
We walked through the foggy morning.
I was cold before, but he had brought my leather jacket.
I’d forgotten it at the bar last week.
He had made me warm again.
At the very end,
When we reached the gate in front of my home,
He didn’t even try to kiss me.
He just did that soft smile thing.
The one with sadness in the corners.
Sadness that I think had nothing to do with me.
But another girl, probably not long ago.
Whom he wished he had done more for.
And instead, just gave me to me.
And just like that,
As I watched him skate down the street,
I stood alone thinking about how
My faith in men had been totally destroyed
And then completely restored
In a matter of hours