July 26th, 2016 – Nelson Home Dining Table – 7:30 am
Now now, friends.
You didn’t think really I was gonna use my blog to tell you how to work out, did you? Come on — I’d never waste any of our time that way (although, one upon a time, I might have). If you want abs in 7 minutes, shiet… go to your nearest check-out stand and flip through all those photo-shopped magazine covers for your favored health headline.They’ll be way more enthusiastic about your body interest, trust me. 9.5/10 of those mags thrive off of your self-doubt… and I don’t want any of it. Hard pass, thx.
Cuz nah, this ain’t the kind of fitness gig. Bodies are fun to play and poke and fix or whatever but I really needed to talk to a real professional about the improvements I needed in my life. I’m no expert on anything but being a human (and spoiler: you know quite a bit more than you think, too) but I really wanted guidance a couple weeks back.
You see, I’m working on that deep-deep muscle, stretchin that life-tendon. According to my (recently unpacked) hard-drive, on July 26th I was hittin’ Interior fibers, lifting the actual heavy weights through a quick set of Being Real to countless reps of Communicating It To An Expert In Sentences.
Wanna try it at home? So easy. Warning, you feel ridiculous at first.
AN INTERVIEW WITH MS. SELF
Me: Hey, Katrina! Thanks for meeting with me today!
ME: [snorts] Of course, you’ve been pestering me about this long enough.
Me: You’re a busy girl. Alright, so what do you miss most about Dad?
ME: Damn, you don’t mess around with small-talk much, do you?
Me: I think we’re close enough to cut to the chase.
ME: Fair enough.
ME: I miss his laugh.
Me: Same. Alright, but let’s dive a little more than you usually do, so we can really get something out of this interview. Why was that specifically so important to you?
ME: Shit, okay…Well I’ve always been pretty overwhelmed with the activity of a room, pretty much all my life. It’s just that, over the years, I’ve gotten better and better at hiding that. There’s just so many voices, so many stories, so many thoughts, so many important things going on… But my dad’s voice always made all the other voices go away, you know? And when I say ‘voices’ I mean all the words spoken AND unspoken, all the body language going on in one place.
But you have to know (or you already do, since you’re me) that whenever the Jeff Nelson spoke with you, you felt like the single most important person in the whole world, no joke. It was his natural super talent. So yeah, when Dad laughed: I didn’t hear anyone else, see anyone, feel anyone else. When Dad laughed at something I said or did…I didn’t need to be better than Annika, like I usually did. I was mind-blowingly happy to be myself, because I was the reason the Coolest Man Alive was laughing.
Me: So when you lost him…?
ME: I lost that space, yeah. He was the only place I grew up knowing a Light Zone, so to speak.
Me: Explain ‘Light Zone’.
ME: I dunno… a place where everyone, everything, every feeling continues to exist but doesn’t really matter until, well, it’s needed.
Me: Where do you find that now?
ME: [laughs] Probably writing. Or dancing. Why do you think I’m always chasing music? I’m dancing for my life or I’m not moving at all. When I’m swept up in sound, I am the Light Zone.
Me: [nods] Makes sense. But you can’t always be writing or dancing… can you?
ME: [laughs] Well, as a matter of fact, I’m working on that. I’m trying to write more often, sure. And I’m looking for a way I can push my music writing into a stronger side gig… But really I’m trying to practice Lightness in a simpler way, in myself. It’s a little more realistic than being in a room full of people and whipping out a journal every time I’m overwhelmed [laughs and shakes head].
Me: Well… couldn’t you?
ME: I mean, yeah! And I do, sometimes. But the possibility I invent for myself is being able to enact that Magic of Simple that Dad brought me without needing to be Writing Girl or whatever.
Me: Okay, explain ‘Magic of Simple.’
ME: Let me put it like this: when I write I can manipulate a room, I can force it all to organize itself in language… but it first and foremost that clean-up requires my thoughtfulness. Ideally though, I’d like to find a way to allow the chaos to co-exist peacefully without so much thought. Magically simple.
Me: Hm. So I guess that answers the question that you get asked all the time, eh?
ME: Which is?
Me: Okay, you already know this. This is an interview with yourself.
ME: [laughs] Yeah, but it’s kind of fun to pretend I don’t know what you’re gonna say next.
Me: Okay, so…
ME: So the question ‘Katrina, do you ever get tired of thinking so much?’ Yeah, I get that a lot— and I really should answer it more instead of laughing it off… maybe I’d get more help that way? Cuz the answer is YES, all the time. And it’s taken me a long time to realize it wasn’t a compliment when people asked me, but a real concern. It’s my addiction, what can I say! And everyone knew before me. I say I could quit whenever I wanted, but I just haven’t had a good enough reason to…
Me: [raises eyebrows]
ME: It’s my favorite coping mechanism, over-thinking. I think it’s a lot of people’s coping mechanism, actually. It’s was a fun pass-time that turned into self-sabotage somewhere in high school.
Me: Does over-thinking affect your writing? Your art in general? Your work? Your health, undoubtedly.
ME: Funny you say that, I’m only just starting to see…. well, yeah, of course, all of it. It’s brain game that really keeps people out, as much as I want them in. So I think I’m gonna pick up this fancy craft called Breathing— seems pretty universal, I think most every one does that.
Me: Yeah, rumor has it.
ME: Right? So just focusing on breathing when I get overwhelmed and not over-thinking the multitude of possibilities that exist in a single room, in a single life. I’m just starting to realize how imbalanced I’ve been living all these years, all the unnecessary, invisible hyperventilating I’ve done in trying to play Life like it wasn’t the hardest thing ever or something.
Me: Don’t be too hard on yourself, bud.
ME: True, true—see, there I go again! But at least we’re starting now, eh?
Me: Right. And might I add—all us here at Me, Myself, &I are really proud of you.
ME: [bows] It’s been a pleasure, you’re one hell of an interview host. Way nicer than I’d thought you’d be.
Me: I’m glad. We’re always here!
ME: Cheers to that.
Me: One final question, though: What’s next?
Me: Hm…. My answer is as easy as it is cheesy: befriending myself. Don’t laugh, I KNOW you want to. Really laughing at my own jokes, really finding myself worth it… really being there for myself when I’ve cried or had a bad day, you know? Everyone tells us to do that, all these memes and inspirational quotes on Instagram bombard us with self-love every day… but really, it only starts happening when it becomes your idea to do so.
Me: So true, wow. We’ll definitely be following up with Katrina and her Next Big Thing progress, then.
ME: [smiles big] She’s quite the handful, but it feels like we’ve finally learned how to work together.
Me: Here, here! So right now, today, the Next Big Thing is…?
ME: [Burst out in a laughter] Oh you know already! Action #2 is go type this up. Maybe stash hidden on the hard-drive? Maybe post somewhere? With me (and you know this) it’s usually a coin-toss between the two. Sometimes I think people can relate, sometimes I think I can be a little much. But I like to think it’s nice to hear that someone else—especially someone who looks like she’s always having an easy, fun time on social media —also owns up and deals with frustrations of ambition and self-doubt…
Me: You’re overthinking…
ME: RIGHT. Anyway, then I’ll go rewrite a bit of You Burn Me (I have a couple new ideas for how to organize my main character’s notebook to speed up the narrative), well, I’ve been shunning away from Finland preparations. So basically I have a lot of shit to sell in order to make just a bit more money for that. No complaints, no complaints… just an itchy restlessness that I keep writing and dancing away.
Me: A girl with a plan and no complaints… are you even Katrina Nelson? Did I interview the right woman?
ME: [smiles] Shuttup, Katrina.
Me: I’ve been waiting for you to tell me that you’re whole life.
ME: [slow claps] Touché, Me. Touché.
Tryna work in?
YOUR TURN TO FEEL SIMULTANEOUSLY INSANE BUT ALSO SOMEHOW INCREDIBLY SOUL-FULLY FIT.
No one will laugh, you know.
No one can see what you’re doing.
But hell, if you feel like you’d like another set of eyes… there’s a reply button somewhere. Those who work out together, stay together. TEAM HUMANS.